This just in from the Ministry of Truth! – 11/15/2012 Edition
The Labor Department on Thursday said the number of people filing jobless claims last week rose to 439,000 from some other number…we’re not sure what it was because everything is DISTORTED!!
And what (we hear you ask) is the source of this distortion??
Our Comrades in the Ministry of Truth Annex (aka: the A/P) have rooted out the source…here’s their headline:
“Superstorm Sandy pushes US jobless claims to 439K“
They then helpfully explain:
The storm has affected the claims data for the past two weeks and may distort reports for another two weeks, the department has said.
Before the storm distorted the figures, weekly applications had fluctuated between 360,000 and 390,000 since January. At the same time, employers have added an average of nearly 157,000 jobs a month.
You see, it was that bit$h Sandy!! SHE distorted the figures (speaking of “distored figures“…whatever happened to Madonna’s
threat promise to strip if The Won won?)
Thanks to the awesomeness of Lord Obama, “Superstorm Sandy” has been vanquished…but will apparently still be “distorting reports for another two weeks” (kinda like voting from the grave…she must have been a Democrat).
But even though “Superstorm Sandy” has been vanquished, we remain at war with
Eurasia EastAsia Eurasia Eastasia Eurasia EastAsia Eurasia Eastasia…whom we have always been at war with.
This week’s Public Service Announcement
General Petreaus had sex…lots of sex. In fact, if a “spontaneous mob” had hadn’t “accidentally ransacked” our Embassy in Benghazi over the “reprehensible video” (which now has over 4 views worldwide) they would done so over the very THOUGHT of Petreaus having sex! (Speaking of “distored figures“…just imagine Petreaus naked! )
Thankfully, Lord Obama has intervened and General Petreaus will not be having sex anymore…thus our country’s secrets (except for Gen. Petreaus’) will again be secure!! Huzzah!