This just in from the Ministry of Truth! – 12/06/2012 Edition
The Ministry of Truth is orgasmically proud to annouce that unemployment applications dropped 25,000 last week to a seasonally (nutmeg) adjusted 370,000. Why? Because Lord Obama has finally chased that Republican bitch Sandy out to sea once and for all! Huzzah!!
We KNOW SuperStorm Sandy has been the culprit all along because in a 10 paragraph article our Comrades in the A/P make SURE we know!
- temporary spike caused by Superstorm Sandy has faded
- applications spiked a month ago after Sandy shuttered businesses (she was a bizzy bee, eh?)
- impact of the Sandy can still be seen in the four-week average. It rose to 408,000 last week (don’t worry…Lord Obama is SO on it!)
- Before the storm (aka: SUPERstorm Sandy!) hit on Oct. 29…
- The storm (HER again!) is also likely to depress November’s job figures…
- Some analysts expect much lower job gains, roughly 25,000 to 50,000, because of Sandy
- Without the depressive effects of Superstorm Sandy and the cliff…
btw…that last quote from our A/P Comrades was in their closing paragraph:
Without the depressive effects of Superstorm Sandy and the cliff, many think employers would have added up to 200,000 jobs last month — even stronger than the solid 171,000 jobs added in October. And it would be better than the 174,000 jobs a month averaged in the July-September quarter.
“many think”…in fact, so “many” think this that we can’t expect the A/P to reveal who they are…but there are “many” of ’em! (and those of you who think that closing paragraph was shameless cheerleading…well…we really DO know who you are!!)
Throughout their article the A/P assures us multiple times that WHATEVER levels we see EVER, are “consistent with modest hiring”. Please note that in order to participate in “modest hiring“, female job applicants should ensure that their skirt drops a minimum 2 inches below the knee, and male applicants should double-check that their fly is completely zipped up.
Lastly, although “Superstorm Sandy” appears vanquished (Huzzah!), but we remain at war with
EastAsia Eurasia Eastasia Eurasia EastAsia Eurasia Eurasia, whom we have always been at war with. …AND, “the cliff” looms!! (see below) EastAsia
This week’s Public Service Announcement
“The Cliff” looms! Despite the generous offers from Lord Obama to evil Republicans to avoid “the cliff“, those very same devils seem bent on pushing us over “the cliff“. Here are just some of Lord Obama’s concessions/offers:
- FOUR tickets to his
CoronationInnauguration (up from two)
- An 8 x 10 photo of Lord Obama and Empress Michelle (previously a 5 x 7 had been proposed)
- Kneeling pads for older CongressCritters for use when in Lord Obama’s august presence
- Ergonomic rubber-stamps for approving everything he says or does (the current stamps are awkward, at best)
And so on. Generous to a fault…but then that typifies His Awesomeness, eh?