This just in from the Ministry of Truth! – 12/20/2012 Edition
The number of Americans applying for unemployment benefits rose unexpectedly last week by
18,000 17,000 from 343,000 344,000 to 361,000. We say “unexpectedly” because in the Age of Obama only GOOD news is expected…and thus any news of even a slightly negative nature is “unexpected“. Please bear that in mind when delivering bad news. If, for example, you got drunk and drove your car into your neighbor’s living room during a re-rerun of ‘Wheel of Fortune’, you might say: “The quart of bourbon I consumed over the last 30 minutes unexpectedly made it hard to operate a motor vehicle.” This will fully explain things to your neighbors…and you can then proceed to watch the rest of ‘Wheel of Fortune’ with them until the ObamaCare “Care Evaluators” arrive to determine whether anyone deserves care.
Still, although the Weekly Unemployment numbers appear bad, our Comrades at the A/P helpfully
spin remind us that this is “consistent with a job market that continues to grow modestly.” So remember to be modest at all times (Ladies, watch that hem-line…Gentlemen, tuck in those shirts!)
We do, of course, remain at war with
EastAsia Eurasia Eastasia Eurasia EastAsia Eurasia Eurasia , whom we have always been at war with…so please remember than as you help the Wheel of Fortune contestants determine which letters to select! EastAsia
This week’s Public Service Announcement
More on our WANT (“War Against Negative Things”) campaign. Now that Lord Obama’s
butt is cemented to the throne re-election hs been completed, it is time to fully embrace the wonders of the Age of Obama, and stop focusing on (or even noticing) “negative things”.
We here at the Ministry have some helpful “tips”!
Situation: Your neighbor makes a negative comment about something Lord Obama says or does. Solution: You cheerfully reply: “I guess it’s better than having your entrails pulled out by crazed weasels in the town square at our upcoming ObamaFest“. See? Immediately whatever they WERE focusing on has been replaced…and they are ready to move forward (with their mouth SHUT).
Situation: You’ve just been told by the local “Care Assessment Panel” (CAP, as in: “We’re capping your access to treatment“) that your access to medical care has been, well, capped! Solution: You drink a quart of Jack Daniels and drive your car into your neighbor’s living room while they’re watching Wheel of Fortune. Things then play out as we’ve described them above.
The key is to replace those (unexpectedly) negative thoughts with something even worse…like the guy who cut his hand off while operating a table-saw, and proceeded to shoot himself in the head with a nail-gun to take his mind off the pain of losing his hand! A true pioneer!!